Numb

Something about this video grasps a deep part of my emotions. I have watched it over and over for a week, trying to figure out what it is.
In between the violent and desperate movements, I see a girl...just one girl.
Girl America.
Tired.
Numb.
Unwilling to feel because she already felt so much.
She is desperate.
She is over it.
She is tired of being "the norm", and angry at being looked at as one thing only...
It is as if she is tired of being used.

I see these girls. And I know that they are not wearing a lot.
But I almost feel as if it wasn't their choice, rather it represents the fact that so many want to see skin alone, and not their true selves.
I see them being tossed from mattress to mattress and feel like it speaks of a life they lived and a lie they were told.

I see desperation.

"I-I feel so numb"

I see their numbness. I see it in pieces of myself. I see it in girls I've met from all over America.

And it makes me hunger for the Solution, the awakening of Life beyond what is numb.
It makes me want Jesus more.
It makes me want to be Him to those who truly are...
numb.

Valentines Day

I almost did it this year.
I wanted to.
I held it in my hand. But actually holding it. It made me feel kinda strange. Not wrong, just strange. Like I didn't know how to actually connect with a future side of me.
So what held such power?
The Husband section of Hallmark Valentines cards.
I mean, I perused through the aisle and looked opened a few to see what they would say, but then it hit me.
I don't know this side of me yet.
It wasn't a blah, depressive thing. I just kind of stopped me.
I want to be able to write to him because I know him, I know exactly which card he would like, not just what I thought he would one day be.
It made me excited to know him, so I could know his favorites, know which one of those overpriced pieces of paper would actually make him smile or laugh.
It made me quite excited.
So I put the card down and decided to wait for another year.
It will be all the sweeter then.

I keep trying to write to him.
But maybe-maybe I am just not ready.
Soon...
I look forward to soon.